Tell me if you see yourself in this story:

Esther, a kind and well-liked teammate, is often praised for her high levels of emotional intelligence (EI), particularly her empathy, positive outlook, and calm demeanor. Esther indeed counts EI as one of her strengths. It’s strange, though — she’s starting to feel stuck in her career, not progressing as fast as she expected she would. So much for emotional intelligence, she’s starting to think.

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The trap Esther (and those praising her) is in:

Defining emotional intelligence much too narrowly — focusing only on Esther’s sociability, sensitivity, and likability, they’re missing critical elements of emotional intelligence that could make her a better leader: giving feedback, the courage to ruffle feathers, the creativity to think outside the box.

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👆🏻 The above (from this HBR article, well worth the 6min read!) breaks down what Emotional Intelligence actually is.

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12 elements...which do you need to work on?

If your emotional intelligence is uneven, it'll start to hold you back.

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Speaking from personal experience, this happened to me.

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I was an individual contributor, getting ‘exceeds expectations’ on my performance reviews, but getting lapped by a few of my peers who were being promoted to manager roles.

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I remember the exact moment I changed.
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A peer on my team had been missing deadlines on a shared project for months, they were minor tasks, but it was adding up. I avoided saying anything because I didn’t want conflict. It only made things worse.

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Eventually, I sat down with them and asked two questions:

1. What’s making it hard for you to hit our milestones?
2. How can I help get us back on track?

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‍Here’s why it worked:

❌ “Why” can feel accusatory. (“why didn’t you meet the deadline?”)
✅ “What” and “How” feel less personal, more situational (shit happens)

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How to give feedback to a peer

Let’s say your peer dropped the ball on their part of the project.
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Try this:

‍✅ “I saw we missed our deadline for first draft of the deck.” Context
✅ “What got in the way on your side?”, “How do you want to make sure we're not missing future milestones?” What / How
✅ "Totally understand, here's what made it hard on my side ..." Impacts
✅ “Should we make a shared timeline for the next phase so we stay aligned? Does that work for you? Anything you want to change” Solution

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‍You can’t skip this step

It starts with a mindset shift 🧠

• Move from short-term “I want everyone to like me today” to longer-term “I want to be seen as a leader.”
• If you're more inclined to influence, you will want to give that difficult feedback or raise that unpopular opinion.
• Tough convos get waaay easier the more you practice them.

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No 'whys' baby!
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Soph ✌🏻
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